We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
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I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!