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My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.