ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
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went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?