can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
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you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Storm Tropical Storm
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.