Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
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I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind