To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
You Might Also Like
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.