[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
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Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Why am I like this?
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail