[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
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im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I need this for my side hustle.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”