Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
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nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?