My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
You Might Also Like
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
same energy
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
The game has officially changed 😎
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.