absolute chaos
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date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
When your man makes a valid point
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
#Caturday
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.