Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
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Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
ibopfufen
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done