Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
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HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭