Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
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*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
This squirrel eats better than I do
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.