If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
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With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks