New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
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{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
my proudest tweet
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
who wants to go expliring
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume