me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
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GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
SPLOOT
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.