Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
You Might Also Like
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what