I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
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I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.