Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
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Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews