Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
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Playdough smells better than other philosophers
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Jupiter
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time