*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
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Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
I got bills
They’re multiplying
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OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????