Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
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Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious