Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
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Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]