I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
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interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
what does he know…
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over