I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
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-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I am having an out of money experience.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Hmm, not sure about this change
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?