People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
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Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?