Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
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my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show