“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
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Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
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It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages