ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
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The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever