BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
You Might Also Like
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?