I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
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i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane