Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
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[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”