ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
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I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that