[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
You Might Also Like
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
synchronized noseblowing
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair