[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
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My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
damn he’s good
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
This was the best day of my life
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.