The game has officially changed 馃槑
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A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
True
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They鈥檙e Making Another One
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 馃檮
i鈥檓 left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
We鈥檙e all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I don鈥檛 know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut