me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
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thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.