If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
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Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Kids: Stay in school.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
any last words?
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise