the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
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[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools