Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
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Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]