“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
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Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.