Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
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Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”