You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
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on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave