A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
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Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*