The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
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My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
How software testing works
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.