ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
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i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
I need to get some bricks…
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.