Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
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Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
My god she’s good.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call