I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
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If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer