on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
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Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
January has been Januweary
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
vegan witches, happy halloween!
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep